just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
whose parrot is this?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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