if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
