So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
