Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
