Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dignity is for republicans.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
