im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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