I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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