does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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