His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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