Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
