and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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