Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
