You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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