just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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