That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
