just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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