She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
