If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
