So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
