im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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