Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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