you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
