I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
