getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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