Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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