Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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