you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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