I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
