i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
