The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
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She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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