My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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