mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
