i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
