onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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