party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
