Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
