Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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