I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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