I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
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I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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