I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
