Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
