Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
