FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
