my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
