Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my shit smells like andre
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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