Just fell off a train. Bad.
My first STD was from a foam party
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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