D3 body, D1 cock
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
