At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
