pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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