Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
