how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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