my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
