was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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