Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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