my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
