That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You were trust falling into bushes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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